My Hopefully Hilarious Article about men.

Sometimes I wish I were a lesbian.

“Men are pigs, but we love bacon.” – Michael Alvear

The above statement applies to almost every human being who is attracted to the male gender. There will always be men in the world, and unfortunately, among the men there will always be the types who frustrate people everywhere. Generally there is a type of male for each category of men, whether it’s nerds or jocks there will always be one. Among the horrors are a few men that will literally cause a person to scream out in agony. After much research I have come up with a list of five excruciatingly painful men. No matter where you are situated at the moment, whether it’s England, Sweden or somewhere in China, I hope you can relate to this and laugh along with some of the very literal and real situations.

5. The Ugly Douchebag

Let’s start out at a club, a nice night out with friends. You’re at the club with your friends, the big blinking strobe lights putting you into a mood of pure ecstasy. You feel like you’re on top of the world and that no man can ruin your day today, but then you feel weird patch of warmth around your groin area. You immediately turn around and see a sweaty, fake-tanned and gelled haired person grinding all over you. It’s completely disgusting, and don’t worry; everyone agrees with you. It’s an Ugly Douchebag; everyone has encountered a fair amount of them. The “U.D” is always around and ready to party, even when you-and the rest of the world-is ready for a rest. The U.Ds are the fake-tanned, Ed Hardy-clothed and fist-pumping weirdoes that saunter around the place. It doesn’t matter that you’re in the mall, the grocers, the cinema, the club or even the park because you’re bound to encounter at least one. You can tell you’ve been a victim of the U.D with these few signs: A) The strong stench of hair gel, cologne, fake tanner spray and sweat lingers on most of your outerwear. B) Whenever you hear a catchy song with a strong beat you feel the irresistible urge to crouch down on the ground and “catch that beat.” C) When your boyfriend cheats on you, you get mad at everybody, but the man in question. If any or all these above signs apply to your boyfriend-or you-well then congratulations because he may be an Ugly Douchebag.

4. The Conceited Douchebag

Imagine that you’re sitting in a nice and peaceful café, drinking your charming little cup of tea while reading a very classical piece of literature. When suddenly you are interrupted by a loud and completely obnoxious call coming from a male. Judging from the looks of the others around you, it seems he yelled a very rude and vulgar word about the male genitalia. Upon closer inspection he’s quite attractive so you ignore the sudden outburst and continue reading, but you’re still displeased. You’ve just experienced the Conceited Douchebag, not to be confused with the Ugly Douchebag. The C.D is very close in comparison to the U.D, but the only difference is that the C.D is attractive-and he knows it. The C.D is very cocky, loud and arrogant. The C.D’s mannerisms are very annoying also, they like to over use words such as, “man”, “dude” and “bro”. The C.D also constantly refers to many extremely lame and stupid videos from the Internet. If one ever were to ask a C.D what their favourite show was Jackass would be mentioned at least once. It should also be noted that the C.D’s only good trait is that they’re attractive, and that’s always their excuse. Forget that they cant read more than seven words at a time, who even needs reading anyway? The natural habitat for the C.Ds are, the local frat homes, a bar of any sort, a “Bro’s Crib”, and of course anywhere else that houses skanks with big fake silicone boobs. Also, prepare to be bombarded with excuses like, “Who needs manners when you’ve got abs like mine?” Oh, right you are C.D right you are.

Now that the first two types are over and done with, I can now get into the last three. These last three boys will make you wonder why weren’t born a lesbian in the first place. Well, without further ado let’s jump into the world of…

3. The Clingy Types

You’re sitting at home, on the couch having a nice and quiet evening indoors. You have your snuggie pulled up to your chin; the TV is turned to your favourite episode of Sex and the City, the bowl of popcorn resting on one lap and your pet resting on the other. *BUZZ, BUZZ* Your phone is vibrating, you check the phone screen and you see that it’s your (ex)boyfriend sending you a message-great- you ignore it and continue your movie. Five minutes later the phone vibrates for a second time signaling you that there is a new message; you choose to ignore it. Another five minutes and you get a call from him, frustrated you answer the phone… turns out he just wanted to say good night to you before he went to sleep for the night, annoying. Yes, that’s a common situation with a C.T. The C.T is not a very common type of male, but if you get the unfortunate luck of running into one you’re going regret ever meeting this man. The C.Ts are very cute and thoughtful at first, but after a week or two-to put it plainly- it gets completely annoying. This man will call you over and over again asking about your day and if you’ve been talking to any other men lately. At first you think he’s just looking out for you, but on the contrary, he’s just plain clingy. The C.Ts doesn’t have many signs that flare out at you at first meeting. They also don’t look any different from the rest of the males on this list, which is a plus or a negative depending on how you think about it. Having experience with one, I know that men like these drive people crazy. With their late night, “I love you” messages, their “You’re beautiful” notes in your locker/cubicle/mailbox and their abundance of compliments, you just cant help but shout, “leave me alone!!!” To put it plainly, they’re attractive, but completely clingy. If one could look the other way then they must have high annoyance tolerance. Think about it, even Lady Gaga wrote a song about them… wait, I think I hear the telephone; I’ll just ignore it.

2. The One That Got Away

It’s like a movie; they’re hot, funny, well mannered and completely charming. No matter where you meet this man it will lead to complete and utter sadness. For example, pretend you’re at a social function, you see a very attractive young male across the room, and did he just wink at you? You take notice that unlike his friends he is not participating in the keg stand that is currently in progress. You notice his fine toned arms, his casual yet formal attire, and his subtle messy hair look. In your head you check slowly check off the criteria list for a man’s outer appearance, he passed! Finally you bring up the nerve to talk to this charming young man. You and that mysterious man strike up some small talk, the weather, the recent movies out and possibly what Lady Gaga has been up to lately. Suddenly his phone rings, he answers it, you find out it’s one of his co-workers asking about something in regards to his high paying job. Before the man on the other line can finish his sentence the O.G.A will interrupt him saying something about being in the presence of a beautiful/charming young lady/man. That act alone makes you swoon.

Somewhere after the call you and the O.G.A will get into some deeper topics, his hobbies, how he enjoys children, his recent artistic achievements in painting, his enjoyment in bodybuilding, and his mother’s recent death. This man seems absolutely astounding; you are completely blown away. As you’re quietly imagining a future with this man one of his friends run up to him and informs him of his friend who seems to have passed out in the bathtub. The O.G.A will tell you that he’ll be right back and he runs off to aid his friend, you decide on whether or not to go and check if he or his friend needs any help, but you decide against it. After a long while you seem to notice that it’s almost been an hour, you try to avoid the thought of never seeing him again so you continue to wait. As the people in the party start to file out one by one you don’t seem to see him in the crowd and the realization hits you like a truck, he’s not coming back. It’s completely tragic and sad that you’ve lost your future husband, but look at it this way; you could sell the rights to your story and make it into a generic movie plot!

And finally, the worst type of man in the world will be revealed. All these horrible people are nothing compared to these men. These men will make your skin crawl, your throat might constrict and your heart just might stop beating! Well, no more stalling let’s get to the good stuff.

1. The Illusionist

Admit it, you’re confused. I’ll admit, the name isn’t very explanatory, but when one knows what an Illusionist actually is, the name will seem like a perfect fit. First, one needs to know how amazing this man actually is, he’s perfect, he’s a complete gentleman, he has manners, he’s a good listener, he’s sensitive, he will message you back with more than just a one letter response, he remembers dates, he has an amazing body, he’s funny, he's kind and of course he looks like an Italian Supermodel. Why, he seems amazing doesn’t he? Why, of all people on this list would he be on here, he seems completely wonderful! Did I mention he was taken? Did I mention his girlfriend/fiancé/wife is a completely frumpy woman who seems to have a one-track personality? Doesn’t that just frustrate you to maximum capacity? What if I also added the fact that this man was you best friend? Of course if you were a female let’s say he’s gay instead and that he has an equally amazing boyfriend, vise versa for gay guys. It’s just so frustrating! Why in the world would these men exist? They’re so perfect yet so… not! Perfectly described as an illusion, hence the name Illusionist. These are the types of men everyone wants in their lifetime, but these are also the types of men no one will ever have a chance with. Whether he’s gay or straight, married or almost there, he's unavailable 24/7. He’s a danger not to be messed with, but if by chance you do happen to get him to deviate from his partner and go for you… well then, can you really live a morally guilt free life knowing you’ve ruined a very lucky girl’s relationship with the perfect man?

So there you have it, the five most frustrating men in the world. Always remember that in this world there will always be the Ugly Douchebag, the Conceited Douchebag, the Clingy Types, the One who Got Away and The Illusionist. All we have to do is just take life in a stride and never let men get us down. After all, life is one big meat aisle and all you have to do is find the right type of bacon… or just go vegetarian.